AROUND THE NFL - WEEK 1

NFL Week 1: The Sensible Sport Loses Its Mind

Week 1 arrived carrying optimism, fresh jerseys and the annual promise that every team had fixed everything. Sixteen games later, several defences had misplaced the instruction manual, and a few coaches are already worrying about job security.

Every Game, Briefly and Unhelpfully

Seattle Seahawks 13, New England Patriots 10

Seattle won a Super Bowl rematch by producing just enough offence to avoid an apology letter. New England led 10–0, then Drake Maye threw three interceptions, and the Patriots treated the fourth quarter like a group project everyone assumed somebody else had finished.

San Francisco 49ers 27, Los Angeles Rams 7

The NFL’s first Australia game ended with San Francisco looking wonderfully at home and the Rams looking as though their luggage had gone to Brisbane. Brock Purdy threw three touchdowns; Los Angeles contributed a seven-point souvenir.

New York Jets 23, Tennessee Titans 10

Breece Hall rushed for 102 yards and the Jets opened calmly, efficiently and without generating an emergency tabloid headline. Tennessee managed ten points and several compelling demonstrations of why punts come with possession arrows.

Buffalo Bills 36, Houston Texans 31

Josh Allen produced 334 passing yards, two passing scores and the sort of late-game escape act usually performed inside a locked water tank. Houston scored 31, harassed Buffalo all afternoon and still discovered that “contain Allen” is less a defensive instruction than a philosophical aspiration.

Chicago Bears 59, Carolina Panthers 37

Chicago scored 59 points, another touchdown and it would have been a very respectable golf score, that or a scoreboard malfunction. Caleb Williams supplied two passing and two rushing touchdowns, D’Andre Swift ran for three, and Carolina’s defence spent the afternoon performing a live reading of “Terms and Conditions May Apply.”

Jacksonville Jaguars 34, Cleveland Browns 10

Trevor Lawrence threw four touchdowns while Jacksonville built a 34–3 lead and then politely stopped scoring. Cleveland’s offence arrived eventually, presumably after being held up at baggage reclaim.

Pittsburgh Steelers 20, Atlanta Falcons 13

A proper Pittsburgh game: low score, hard tackling and the vague sense that forward passes require written permission. T.J. Watt’s late pick-six settled it, leaving Atlanta to wonder whether “avoid the future Hall of Famer” had been omitted from the play sheet.

Baltimore Ravens 41, Indianapolis Colts 23

Derrick Henry rushed for 144 yards and three touchdowns, Lamar Jackson threw for 324, and Baltimore unveiled an offence apparently designed by someone who finds normal speed tedious. Indianapolis scored 23 and still spent most of the day holding the door open.

Cincinnati Bengals 33, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27

Cincinnati forced four turnovers and converted Tampa Bay’s generosity into a win. The Buccaneers remained close despite repeatedly handing over the ball, which is admirable in the same way finishing a marathon while wearing flippers is admirable.

Detroit Lions 31, New Orleans Saints 30 (OT)

Tyler Shough threw for 410 yards, New Orleans forced overtime, then went for a two-point conversion and the win after scoring. It failed. Detroit escaped by one, proving that courage and regret can occupy the same seven-second highlight.

Las Vegas Raiders 27, Miami Dolphins 13

Las Vegas scored in each of the first three quarters and then spent the fourth admiring its work. Miami’s offence displayed plenty of South Florida sunshine and roughly the same amount of resistance as a deckchair.

Arizona Cardinals 26, Los Angeles Chargers 14

Arizona outscored the Chargers 10–0 in the fourth quarter and departed with a comfortable win. The Chargers, meanwhile, demonstrated that electricity is difficult to generate when somebody has removed the plug.

Minnesota Vikings 39, Green Bay Packers 22

Minnesota poured in 22 fourth-quarter points, turning a close divisional game into an invoice. Green Bay led at half-time, then spent the final period watching the Vikings redecorate the scoreboard.

Philadelphia Eagles 24, Washington Commanders 22

Washington made a late charge; Philadelphia survived by two. The Eagles did not so much close the game as repeatedly check the front door, walk away and return to check it again.

New York Giants 28, Dallas Cowboys 20

The Giants scored exactly seven points in every quarter, showing the kind of consistency normally found in accounting software. Dallas’s defence allowed the full subscription package and began the season with eight points of buyer’s remorse.

Kansas City Chiefs 31, Denver Broncos 10

Kansas City ended the weekend by reminding everyone that rumours of its demise should be submitted in triplicate. Patrick Mahomes threw two touchdowns, the Chiefs scored in every quarter, and Denver’s ten points looked increasingly lonely.

Final Whistle

Week 1 taught us three things: Chicago can score, Josh Allen remains an unsupervised physics experiment, and don’t let the Kansas City Chiefs acquire a legitimate ground attack. Sixteen fanbases are planning parade routes; the other sixteen are searching “is 0–1 mathematically eliminated?” Don’t you just just love football…